


I'll Get There

by HeartlessAngel



Category: Free!
Genre: Angst, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pining, Romance, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-12
Updated: 2014-09-16
Packaged: 2018-02-17 02:54:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 13,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2294267
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartlessAngel/pseuds/HeartlessAngel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto struggles with his remnant feelings for Haruka long after they've decided to go separate ways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Brain Damage

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I had some emotions to work through after episode 11. This work is mainly Makoto/Haruka, just a heads-up.

* * *

The time before graduating high school had been a turbulent one. They had all gone their separate ways, but they never stopped fighting the currents of life to come together every once in a while. Finding free time was just a challenge amongst many. Sometimes they failed, most times they succeeded.

Haruka had decided to give life as a professional swimmer a shot. He could always study something else in the meantime to have as a plan B. He never fully admitted how ecstatic he had been for finding his fire, but the spark in his eyes had given him away. The slow, but steady resolve of his inner conflict rid him of the barrier that had been growing between him and what he loved most; the water.

The immense relief had given Makoto the final push he needed to confidently follow through with his own plans for his future. Rin would be there for Haruka when he needed to be picked up. Rin’s approach was much more straightforward. He didn’t let problems escalate until it seemed that they were beyond resolving. Haruka wouldn’t have the chance to get as lost as he had been before graduation. Rin wouldn’t let that happen. Knowing that letting go had been the right thing to do, Makoto stepped aside and let Haruka flourish and reach his full potential.

It hadn’t been easy. Some feelings ran deeper than others, and their inevitable split-up forced Makoto to make a decision. He had to yank those deeper, unspeakable feelings from the root and hope that the distance would wash the wounds clean. His friendship had been smothering enough. He didn’t think Haruka would want to put up with anything beyond that, and so, Makoto waited. Waited for the feelings to disintegrate into nothing and be replaced by the proportionate affection a best friend should have for the other.

As time passed, Makoto majored in marine biology. He studied hard, immersed himself in the world beneath the water surface. Professor Saito had taken notice of the main topic for Makoto’s research. Makoto had written about the slaughter of dolphins at Taijii and the impact such practices had on the ecosystem in the waters around Taijii and the villages nearby. It had been a heavy and big subject to take on for a Bachelor’s thesis, but Makoto had already decided that his Bachelor’s thesis was merely an introduction to his Master’s thesis. He hoped to soon collect his own data instead of borrowing from others, but for that to happen, he needed financial support.

Makoto sat in the school library, focused on the computer screen as he scrolled down the list to find one of the papers he had to print. He’d usually read papers on his tablet to save some forest, but he had been getting headaches lately, and he contributed them to his overuse of his tablet and computers. He glanced at his sloppily written notes to make sure he still remembered the name of the paper correctly, and clicked on the link once he found it.

“Makoto-senpai.” The familiar and urgent voice startled Makoto and he quickly looked to his side where Rei had sat down, quiet as a mouse.

Rei had majored in Chemistry all the while flirting with other subjects, such as Molecular Biology and Physics. He was currently doing a Bachelor’s thesis in Molecular Biology while enrolled in the master’s course in Chemistry. The guy had a knack for academics and he amazed Makoto on a daily basis. Any other person would be pulling their hair out with all of that on their plate, but Rei balanced it all well, still finding time to spend with his friends. Although, Nagisa might be the reason Rei made time for social activities.

Rei held up a document and smiled proudly as he pushed his glasses up his nose.

“What’s that?” Makoto asked and rubbed his eyes to get the color spots out of his sight. He had forgotten to use his glasses again.

“It’s a scholarship from my institute to further my research.”

“Congratulations, Rei!” Makoto smiled, but it quickly faded and turned into confusion when Rei shook his head and pointed at the document, looking even more excited than before.

“I… don’t understand…” Makoto said at last when he couldn’t figure out why Rei wouldn’t want to be congratulated.

“Ugh,” Rei rolled his eyes and scooted his chair closer. “Nagisa told me that you wouldn’t remember because you had been ‘drunk’. You hide it very well, Makoto-senpai. Remember the repellents idea?” Rei paused to give Makoto a second to think. “The dolphin repellents?”

“Oh! I told you about that?” Makoto rubbed his right temple with one finger sheepishly and chuckled slightly.

“You did,” Rei said, not impressed at all. “Anyway, I was mesmerized by the idea, so I’ve been looking into it and done a little bit of experimenting. With this we can make that repellent happen, and if we do, we’ll get grants for field studies in no time.”

“Rei…” Makoto was at loss of words. He simply stared at Rei, dumbfounded.

“Are you onboard?” Rei asked, obviously proud at his unintentional pun.

“Yes!” Makoto said with a nod, and maybe a little too loud as other students turned their heads to find the source of noise. “Yes,” Makoto repeated quietly.

“We’ll have to meet up to set up a project plan, and start looking for possible grants.” Rei put the document back into his pocket and sighed. “I’m meeting Nagisa for lunch, do you want to join us? We’ll just be at the cafeteria, so you’ll be close by if you need to go to class soon.”

Makoto glanced at his notes quickly and gave the offer a second of thought before he replied.

“Alright, let’s go!”

A whole of three students turned around to hush Makoto just as he was about to leave with Rei, and he quickly bowed in their direction as a silent apology for being loud.

-x-

Nagisa’s bright personality had him climb up the corporate ladder at an impressive speed. He could sell water to fish with his persuasiveness. With the way things were going now, he’d be made regional manager for the Tokyo headquarter office within two years. He seemed content with his work. His office was nearby, and he could come over and spend time with his best friends at least once a day.

“I thought you said you were full,” Rei commented as Nagisa came back with a tray of three desserts.

“These aren’t all for me, although if you won’t have any, I’ll have to eat them. Food should never go to waste. Mako-chan, which one do you want?”

“I’ll have the blueberry pie.”

“I’ll have the chocolate cake,” Rei said, unable to hold a soft laugh back when Nagisa glared at him.

“Rei-chan, you know I love chocolate cake!”

“What’s the other option?”

“Carrot cake,” Nagisa fiddled with the spoon by the carrot cake. “We can share the chocolate cake!”

“And the carrot cake?” Rei asked.

“I’ll have it… or we can share that, too.”

Makoto watched them finally settle with sharing both pieces of cake. Nagisa and Rei had grown closer over the years. Aside from Rin and Haruka, they were the ones from their group that spent most time together. Makoto was almost always studying or with his classmates. There was a big gym with an olympic pool nearby. When night time came and Makoto found it difficult to sleep, he went there before closing time and swam a couple of laps to relax. The pool caused him a strangely nostalgic feeling, and it reminded him of the wounds that time had yet to erase.

“Ma~ko~cha~n!” Nagisa’s voice broke Makoto’s trail of thought and he looked up at them both, wondering if he had spaced out.

“Sorry, I was just thinking about a paper I need but that I haven’t gotten in my notes.”

“Are you going to meet Haru-chan and Rin-chan at the airport on Friday?” Nagisa repeated the question for what seemed like the third time.

“Huh? They’re back on Friday? I thought they were going to stay in Sydney.”

“I think that was their plan at first, but that was before the summer tournaments. I think they’re homesick,” Nagisa said and went for the last of the carrot cake.

“They’re coming back all hush-hush, too,” Rei added. “Usually they have their fanclub waiting at the airport, but their managers have kept their return on the down-low. Haruka-senpai might have had enough of all the cheering ‒ oh! That’s Professor Akihito. I’ll be back in a second.” Rei got up quickly and ran across the courtyard to catch his professor before he disappeared into the building.

“Mako-chan,” Nagisa began as soon as Rei had gone.

Makoto immediately knew where this was going. Nagisa’s cautious intonation on his name, the fact that he had brought up Haruka’s return, the conversation could only go one way from here. Nagisa knew. Makoto didn’t know for how long, but Nagisa knew. He had pulled Makoto aside before they had gone to Australia. It had been a month before the summer tournaments began. Rin and Haruka had been given a week off training and had a few days to spare of that week. Nagisa, in the caring fashion of his, had tried to help Makoto come to a realization; he needed closure. It was something he only could achieve by admitting his feelings and hearing from Haruka that there was no chance of them ever crossing that boundary. Only then would Makoto be able to move forward in the true sense. That was Nagisa’s theory at least.

Makoto had said that he’d take care of it then. He did want a normal life. He wanted to be able to find someone to share his life with, but as long as his feelings for Haruka were alive, he’d stop himself from getting too close to anyone else.

“I really don’t want to be a nag, but… you have to stop it, y’know? If you confess to him, you’ll know whether to move on or if there’s a chance, but if you stay like this, comparing everyone you meet with how it used to be between you and Haru-chan… nobody wants to be compared to something better.”

“I know,” Makoto said with a sigh. He looked up at Nagisa with a kind smile. “I’ll take care of it this time. I promise.”

-x-

A small crowd had gathered around the exit gate at the ground floor of Tokyo International Airport. Makoto wasn’t usually around when Rin and Haruka landed. There was too much of a spectacle to get close, and they were always ushered into white cars with shaded windows once they got outside.

It was always better to meet a day later at a restaurant or café.

Makoto stood there, contemplating on leaving before they arrived. He wasn’t sure what he’d do, only that he wanted to get his confession out of the way as soon as possible to not have to think about it anymore. He was sure Rin would understand if he asked to talk to Haruka in private. There were lots of places nearby they could go. It was just going to be a short, straight-to-the-point confession in two sentences or less. Shorter than an abstract. He’d end it by underlining how important their friendship was to him, and that he had no problem on pretending like the confession had never taken place.

Passengers from the plane from Australia started to walk out to meet their waiting family members or drivers. Some tourists ventured out into the enormous airport. The automatic doors slid open and close in time with the passengers walking out. Makoto kept a vigilant eye on the door. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt absentmindedly. There they were. They were still behind the door. Haruka had dropped something and Rin turned around to comment with a bright smile on his face. Haruka said something back, and then Rin reached his hand out in a silent, humble demand for Haruka’s hand.

Makoto gulped. His heart raced, and he froze.

Haruka held Rin’s hand, lacing their fingers together with a grumpy look on his beautiful face as they walked out. Makoto was in plain sight, sticking out like a sore thumb from the rest of the crowd. Rin was the first to notice him, and he too froze for a brief moment. Haruka nudged him forward gently, both finding comfort in each other’s presence.

“Rin, Haru, it’s been a while,” Makoto greeted them with a smile, hoping that his heart would stop beating in this new dull, aching way.

“Makoto,” Rin smiled sheepishly. A blush was creeping up his face. “We didn’t think anyone would be here, but this is good. This is really good. We can talk, just the three of us. There is something important we really want to talk to you about, and, uh, it’s actually one of the main reasons to why we’re here…”

“Makoto,” Haruka interrupted. He looked up at Makoto with his deep blue eyes, and Makoto had to keep reminding himself to breathe. “We’re together. As a couple.”

“I was thinking of talking about this somewhere more private and not right outside the gate, but shit, alright, let’s put all the cards on the table,” Rin said, clearly caught off guard by Haruka’s bluntness.

“You were beating around the bush,” Haruka said with a deadpan face.

“I was easing him in. This is a delicate matter, and not everyone’s prepared to hear stuff like this about their friends, let alone their best friends. I was testing the waters, not diving in head first.”

“We always dive in head first.”

“Anyway!” Rin laughed nervously and turned his attention back to Makoto. “There it is. We’re together. Two guys. Together. Thoughts?”

They looked at him with uncertainty and even fear. The short moment of silence seemed to stretch on forever, until Makoto broke it.

“I think it’s great,” he said, ridding both Rin and Haruka of their tension with that simple sentence. “You both look very happy about it, and I’m happy for you. How long since…?”

“A couple of weeks before you guys came down, I think?” Rin turned to Haruka for confirmation.

“Yeah, something like that.”

“We wanted to tell you guys back then, but… we weren’t really sure about what we were doing, if we were doing the right thing. It was just a whole lot of drama, and yeah, it took some time, but here we are.”

“What’s that chant they did at that parade?” Haruka asked, earning a soft chuckle from Rin.

“I don’t think we’re ready to be doing that kind of chant in the middle of an international airport. We’d embarrass Makoto.”

“I didn’t say ‘chant at the top of your lungs’, just what were the words?”

“They’re in English, plus it won’t make any sense to Makoto.”

Haruka nudged Rin again impatiently, and Rin sighed.

“They sang we’re here, we’re queer, get used to it.”

Haruka chuckled and did his best to repeat the chant until Rin nudged him back. Rin would glance over at Makoto once in a while, and every time Makoto was ready with a smile. He wasn’t the explosive type. He imploded instead, hoping that there weren’t any visible traces of his internal turmoil. Judging by how at ease his two best friends seemed with their revelation and Makoto’s reaction, he’d say he had succeeded in keeping it all under wraps.

-x-

Makoto rarely drank. He was a social drinker, which meant that he only got drunk at Nagisa’s Poker nights. Their last Poker night had been approximately three months ago, two weeks after they got back from Australia. Alcohol was on the expensive side and not a priority on Makoto’s list of necessities. It was something he saved for special occasions, like Nagisa’s Poker nights, and when he needed a hand to cry.

He sat in the small space between his bed and his nightstand. It was a tight fit, but strangely comforting. He had a one room apartment near campus. He had been lucky to get it for the price he paid every month. This room was his refuge for when he needed to just be alone and think.

Makoto made a face at the dark bottle of sake as if it had been his first gulp, but he had made it half through the bottle already. He held his phone in his other hand, flipping it open and close while he thought of calling someone. It wasn’t long before he heard a ring signal against his ear, and the click of someone answering.

“Makoto-senpai?”

“Hey, Rei. Listen, I have a great, new, drunken idea for that scholarship. You know how falling in love is a chemical process? At least the initiation phase. Right?” Makoto’s voice was thick with tears, and he slurred with the effect of alcohol.

“Are you alright?” Rei asked worriedly.

“It’s only supposed to last three years at most. Normally. Anything after that is brain damage. For better or worse, it’s brain damage. So, if the initiation process has been ongoing for ten years… how much brain damage is that?” Makoto wiped his tears away automatically with the back of his hand. “Could it be fixed with a pill?”

“... I don’t know, Makoto-senpai. I…”

“Could you look into it?”

“Mako-chan?” Nagisa’s voice cut through Rei’s sudden and very short protest. “Mako-chan, where are you? We’ll go get you.”

“Nagisa,” a sob got caught in Makoto’s throat and made it impossible for him to speak for a moment. “I think I’m severely brain damaged.”

The memories after that became fuzzy. All Makoto knew, was that next day, when he woke up, he was in bed under his covers. Nagisa and Rei had been here. They had left a tray on his desk with breakfast. One side, the one with a store-bought lunchbox with a small portion of rice and fish and a variety of vegetables, was obviously Rei’s. On the other side was a big slice of chocolate cake and a can of cold vanilla milk and an apple.

The new pattern of his heartbeats were still there, threatening to break his ribcage in two, but he still found the strength and will to smile at seeing the tray and the small note telling him to rest and eat. It gave him hope. There’d come a day when these feelings would subside, and once that happened, he’d be able to move on without holding back.


	2. Truth

* * *

Two years later

* * *

 

Relationships were tricky, Haruka was quick to discover that once he and Rin made their relationship official to their friends. Love that seemed to have been made to last forever ran out. He had always been afraid that lack of love meant hate, but love was much more layered than he had dared to believe.

Deciding to take his relationship with Rin to another level had been a journey as anxiety ridden as having to choose a career path. It had taken them a month between realizing what was happening and admitting it. It had taken a lot of time and energy from both of them. Haruka had been worried about how it would affect Rin’s performance in the summer tournaments. Luckily, they had solved it before then.

Haruka had had his heart drop to his stomach that day they had gone back to Japan and seen Makoto stand there, waiting for them. Haruka and Rin had had both long and short conversations about whether they should come out to their friends or not, and when and where to tell them. It hadn’t been in their plans to tell Makoto about them in the middle of the airport on what seemed like a whim. Haruka had been worried about Makoto’s reaction the most. He feared that the gentleness in his green eyes would turn to disgust and rejection. Makoto’s kind smile had put both Rin and Haruka at ease, and at times Haruka wondered what he had been worried about.

That had been two years ago, but being at Tokyo International Airport brought those memories forward without feeling of regret, just nostalgia.

The romantic love Rin and Haruka had shared with each other had seemingly come to an end not too long ago. It had been a strange sensation. The spark that had lit fires just wasn’t there anymore. They still liked each other as friends, as best friends, and there had been times when they thought that the spark was back, but it faded as soon as it emerged. There had only been one thing to do; break up.

In the midst of trying to figure out where he was with the one person he had spent the most time with the past few years, Rei sent him a letter, asking him whether he had plans on coming back to Japan anytime soon. Haruka’s simple answer had been ‘no’. He wanted to finish what he had started, and he couldn’t go anywhere until he had made sure that everything was okay between him and Rin. He had made the mistake of leaving things unsaid before, he didn’t want to commit that mistake twice.

Three weeks ago, Rei had sent him another letter, making Haruka wonder why someone with so much technology at his disposal would choose to send snail mail. The reason was uncovered in the letter. Rei wanted to avoid leaving a trail for Nagisa to track. Nagisa didn’t agree with what Rei was about to do, and his opinion on it was apparently strong enough that he’d go out of his way to stop Rei from getting in touch with Haruka over this matter. The letter read:

_Dear Haruka-senpai,_

_I’m afraid I must urge you to return to Japan at your soonest convenience. Do not mention this letter or its contents to Nagisa! I’m acting alone, and I’m doing this because I have Makoto-senpai’s best interests at heart. As you may remember, we were granted a scholarship that has made it possible for us to develop a synthetic dolphin repellent. We’ve produced samples and we have now been granted permission for a field study near the Taijii area. Makoto-senpai has been working non-stop. Truly non-stop. I fear for his health and general well-being, but he insists that he is okay. Neither me nor Nagisa are able to get through to him anymore. Please, Haruka-senpai, help us._

_I’m eagerly waiting for your reply._

_Yours truly,_

_Rei Ryuugazaki_

There were a lot of troubling things in Rei’s short letter. Aside from Makoto being unwell, Haruka couldn’t quite understand what Rei meant by ‘dolphin repellent’. He couldn’t remember Makoto telling him that he was moving forward at a fast pace with his research. Haruka wasn’t sure if it was because he thought of the subject as too complicated to understand or if he simply hadn’t been listening. It also worried him that Nagisa wouldn’t want him to know that there was something wrong with Makoto. Was it that Rei was exaggerating, which wouldn’t be a first, or was Makoto in such a bad shape that Nagisa wanted to protect Haruka from seeing him like that?

Makoto had been in a brief relationship with a woman in his class. Her name had been Keiko. She had been introduced to the gang on one occasion when Rin and Haruka had gone back to spend some time at home. She hadn’t seemed like much to Haruka, but he was certain that there had to be something special about her if she had caught Makoto’s attention long enough to make him stay. They had been together for almost a year before they inadvertently broke up. Makoto could be suffering from a broken heart. Not all break-ups were as simple and clean as his break-up had been with Rin.

Makoto was sensitive, almost to a fault, but he rarely showed the whole spectrum of emotions. He kept it all inside. They were a lot alike in that aspect. Haruka had learned that the hard way, and for a long time he thought that he might have caused irreparable damage with the things he had said that night on the Summer Festival. They had both apologized to each other for their emotional outburst that night, but something had changed. Haruka got over the things Makoto had said because they had been true, and he realized that Makoto had only tried to help. It had been different with Makoto. Haruka's words seemed to have cut Makoto far too deep to be mended by an apology. Haruka had thought of bringing it up, but he never found the right occasion.

“Haruka-senpai!” Rei waved at him as soon as Haruka walked past the automatic doors. Gou was standing beside him and waved at Haruka as he walked up to them.

“Did you have a nice trip?” She asked kindly.

“Yeah,” Haruka replied and received a small lunchbox from Gou.

“My brother said that you forgot to order a lunch for your trip over here,” Gou explained and smiled.

“Thanks.” Haruka smiled back as he gave the lunchbox a fond look.

“Haruka-senpai, we got here by car. Gou parked right outside, so we should leave before she gets a parking ticket.”

“You got a driving license?” Haruka asked.

“Yep!” Gou said proudly and pretended to push glasses up her nose. “Rei-chan taught me.”

“You’re gonna get your car towed if we don’t leave now,” Rei was quick to say as he glanced outside.

“Oh, hush. You’re just afraid that Nagisa followed us. I took the proper precautions.”

“A-HA!” Nagisa yelled from across the closest entrance and pointed at his three friends. “Rei-chan, you traitor!”

“What about Gou-chan? She’s here, too.” Rei said as he hid behind Gou’s much smaller frame.

“Haru-chan, what have they told you?” Nagisa asked as soon as he had gotten close enough.

“Nothing, yet. Why?” Haruka frowned and clenched his hands around his lunchbox.

“Good, good, good.” Nagisa glared at Rei quickly and then turned his attention back to Haruka. “Haru-chan, we’ll take care of this. I’m sure Mako-chan will go back to his usual happy self in no time. We just need to give him some breathing space.”

“You’re not the kind of person that gives people breathing space, Nagisa. What’s going on?”

“Nothing, Haru-chan! Just let us take care of this.”

“Makoto-senpai is in love with you!” Rei yelled out all of a sudden, loud enough to have a couple of heads turning.

“Rei-chan! What are you saying?!” Nagisa quickly hurried over to Rei in hopes he’d be able to put his hand over his mouth before Rei could say anything else.

“Makoto is…?” Gou looked at Haruka, her hand over her mouth in surprise.

“Don’t listen to him, Haru-chan! How could you, Rei-chan? That’s not for us to disperse everywhere. He should be the one saying this!”

“But he won’t! That’s the problem. I can’t hold this in anymore. Makoto-senpai is in love with you. He’s been for a long time now, ten years at least, but he hasn’t been able to tell you, and I think it’s starting to have a very negative effect on him. Haruka-senpai, please, talk to him. He can’t keep going like he is now. I see him every day, and it’s painful to have a front row seat for this kind of transformation. I barely recognize him anymore.”

“Rei-chan…” Nagisa stood back and looked up Rei.

“We’re friends, aren’t we? All of us. We pull together when we have a friend in need. Makoto-senpai has always been there for us. Nagisa and I have tried to be of help to him, but there’s just nothing we can do anymore...”

“Where is he now?” Haruka asked sternly.

“Where he always is, I guess,” Nagisa said sadly and let Rei answer the question.

“He’s at the institute. At Tokyo University.”

“Let’s go.”

-x-

The car ride back into Tokyo had been tense. Nagisa had squeezed in between Rei and Haruka in the back seat, hoping to regain some control of the situation, if only as an illusion.

“Haru-chan,” Nagisa began carefully, fully aware of how awfully thin ice he was walking on now. “What are you going to tell Makoto?”

“I’m gonna give him a piece of my mind,” Haruka said simply, not shifting his attention from the sights swooshing them by.

“Haru-chan.” Nagisa pulled at Haruka’s sleeve. If Haruka hadn’t turned to face him, he’d think that the Nagisa he was talking to now was the one from high school. Though Nagisa still had a baby face at the age of twenty-five, there was an unmistakable difference between the present Nagisa and Nagisa from the past.

“What?”

“Be careful with him, okay? Don’t say things you don’t mean. He listens to you, sometimes too attentively. Mako-chan’s feelings for you… they’re a deep-buried secret. It’s his weak spot. He doesn’t talk about it. If you’re gonna reject him, he’ll understand, but please, do it gently.”

The way they talked about Makoto made a heavy, unsettling ball of anxiety lodge itself at the pit of Haruka’s stomach. For a moment he forgot that they were going to Makoto’s workplace, not to the hospital after some horrific accident.

Once they got there, Rei got out of the car with Haruka to show him where Makoto worked. Rei asked him if he wanted to borrow his cellphone, but Haruka showed Rei that he had brought his own.

“Call us when it’s over. We’ll be waiting.” With that, Rei went back to the others.

Haruka stared at the screen of his cellphone as he stood there in the dark. He sent Makoto a short text: _I’m outside. Let me in._ A light outside a plain-looking door lit up at the sound of someone in the stairwell. The door opened with a loud creak. Makoto stood there, looking around until Haruka emerged from the shadows and into sight.

“Haru…” Makoto sounded surprised, but Haruka was certain that he was the most surprised one of the two.

Makoto had lost weight. Not a lot, but enough to tell. His eyes were red and sunken behind glasses that were thicker than the ones Haruka remembered him wearing. He seemed exhausted where he stood leaning against the door. Haruka had thought of a hundred things to say, of a hundred scenarios on his way here, and most of them were in one way or another confrontational, but as he saw Makoto, he finally understood what Nagisa meant. Makoto wasn’t fit for a confrontation. It made Haruka wonder if he ever had been. That night at the festival, had Makoto been fit for a confrontation then? It had been a rough time for Haruka, but he had never really stopped to contemplate whether it had been a rough time for Makoto, too.

“What… what are you doing here? Where’s Rin?”

“I’m here by myself.” Haruka cleared his throat quietly. “It’s cold. Can I come in?”

“Yeah, of course. This way.”

Haruka followed Makoto to the second floor, through narrow hallways to one of the back offices. It was a fairly large room with papers and files stacked on the center desk. The other desks alongside the walls were properly cleaned. There was one desktop computer in the corner, and different machinery here and there that Haruka assumed were normal to have in a lab for testing. Makoto moved one chair from one desk to the center desk before he rounded the desk to get back into his seat by a laptop and a stack of files.

“Can I get you anything?” Makoto pushed his chair back to a mini fridge in the far right corner of the room. “There’s mostly canned coffee in here, but there should be some water left here somewhere. There’s a sandwich. You want that?” Makoto smelled the sandwich quickly. “It’s not mackerel though. I think it’s chicken.”

Haruka had forgotten his lunchbox in the car and he was starting to feel hungry.

“Okay.”

Makoto handed him the sandwich and motioned for Haruka to sit down.

Haruka unwrapped the sandwich from the plastic foil when a small post-it note fell onto his lap. _Mako-chan’s lunch. Don’t forget to eat!_ Haruka glanced at Makoto and then back at the post-it. Nagisa must have left that note.

“What’d you have for lunch today?” Haruka asked.

“Umm…” Makoto fell into thought. “Lunch, today... I think I had a Ceasar salad. Or was that yesterday? No, wait. I had a chicken sandwich.”

“Like this one?”

“Yeah, like that one.” Makoto smiled and rubbed the back of his neck.

“Nagisa cooks a lot for you, huh?” Haruka asked softly, watching Makoto’s smile quickly fade.

“So what brings you to this part of the world? I saw that last tournament. You and Rin are in great shape. Silver medal is quite a feat with your competition.” Makoto cleared his throat and closed one file to put it on the large pile next to it.

“I was asked to come,” Haruka replied. His gaze never wavered from Makoto. He watched his every move, every subtle change in his polite expression, and Haruka recognized the pattern.

Makoto was playing a role. He had turned into a caricature of himself, keeping up appearances because no one could tell him that he wasn’t okay if he kept acting like he always had.

“Oh! I guess Nagisa forgot to give you his address? I’ll get it for you. You’ll get there easiest by taking a taxi. It’s like a ten minute ride. If he isn’t at home, he’s probably at Rei’s place. Rei lives a block down from Nagisa. It’s a blue building, you can’t miss it.” Makoto scribbled Nagisa’s address onto a piece of paper and gave it to Haruka who didn’t even give it a second glance.

“They’re worried about you, Makoto.”

Makoto paled almost instantly, as if a great secret had come to light and he wanted nothing else but to reach for it and hide it someplace where no one could dig it up again. He thought he was doing a good job of keeping up the act, after all.

“If you’re really here about that, then, I’m sorry. Truly. I’ve been trying to tell Nagisa and Rei that this is very important work, and that once I finish it, I’ll stop with the all-nighters, which aren’t even that frequent. I’ve just gotten immersed. You know how that is, right? I’m fine. Honestly.”

“What are you working on?” Haruka asked and walked over to stand behind Makoto.

“It’s nothing. I was just reading through some data. I’m trying to make a comparative analysis on data taken from places where animals at the top of the food chain have been wiped out and the cause it’s had on local economies. I wanted there to be correlation between the data on the local economies and the impact on national economies, but Keiko was in charge of that. She, uh, got a scholarship for Economics at Harvard, and I haven’t really delegated her work since she left.” Makoto sighed and rubbed his neck again to relieve himself of the tension that gathered there. “I’m not making any sense, am I? Sorry.”

Haruka placed his hands over the hand Makoto had on his neck. He intended to help Makoto with the tension. Rin always asked him to rub his neck or his back whenever he felt stressed. It had become a habit to just do it when he saw Rin rub his neck, and in a moment like this, Haruka forgot that Makoto wasn’t Rin. While Rin would lean into his touch, Makoto flinched and jolted away like a frightened cat to the other side of the desk. He tried to pretend that getting up was something he had planned all along. He walked over to another desk to pull out a file and turned back to Haruka.

“We created dolphin repellents. Our studies show that there isn’t any negative impact in the waters around the repellents after use. We tested an area of ten thousand square feet. The repellents work in a hundred square feet. Long story short, we saved a lot of dolphins last year.”

The partly hidden smile on Makoto’s face was the first genuine smile Haruka had seen from him since getting here. Makoto walked back to his seat and handed Haruka the file.

“It’s a fairly short summary of the work we’ve done here. You should read it some time.” Makoto sighed again while pulling his glasses off. He put them by the laptop and rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands. “You should probably go now. I bet Nagisa is waiting for a report.”

Haruka walked over to the door slowly, stopping by the other side of Makoto’s desk where he had put the sandwich. He couldn’t leave things like this. Maybe there was a time consuming procedure he should follow to deal with Makoto’s current state, but if he had learned anything these past few years was that time seldom dealt with conflict.

“Makoto, are you in love with me?” Haruka found himself asking, looking over his shoulder just in time to witness a small, defeated chuckle.

“Yeah, I am. Sorry.” Makoto chuckled again, swallowing hard. “Don’t worry about it though. These things rarely last more than three years. Usually, six months. They’ll pass soon enough.”

“It’s been ten years.”

Rei’s words had latched themselves into Haruka’s mind and they had swirled in the back of his head up until this very moment when they slowly started to sink in.

“Shit.” Makoto’s voice broke. Haruka could hear it in the quiet swear from behind his hands.

Makoto rose to his feet quickly, turning his back to Haruka as a sob raked through his body. It had been years since Haruka had seen Makoto cry. They had been small children then, and the reason had completely escaped Haruka’s mind. He didn’t remember what he had done back then to keep Makoto from crying, if he had done anything at all. All Haruka knew for certain at this time was that the muffled sobs, the quiet, pained whimpers, were just about the most heartbreaking things he had ever heard. He wanted to make them stop. Makoto shouldn’t have reasons to cry, not like this, like the pain came from a place far beyond anyone’s reach.

Haruka walked up to him with quick steps, placing his hand onto Makoto shoulder to gently guide Makoto to him. Makoto leaned forward as if crying was taking the last of his energy. He was still hiding behind his hands, desperately hanging onto the hope that maybe he could still salvage the facade of being okay. His dark dirty blond bangs hanged almost halfway over his face. Haruka brushed some of the bangs back slowly, aware that they’d fall back with the slightest movement of Makoto’s head. Cautiously, Haruka put his hands over Makoto’s wrists and slid Makoto’s arm down to reveal his tear-streaked face. Makoto wanted to look away, to keep hiding, but Haruka cupped his face with both hands, wiping tears away with his thumbs as he observed the small droplets continuously fall from his eyes.

Haruka stood on the tip of his toes to get closer, to place a soft kiss at the side of Makoto’s left eye. It seemed like he’d flinch again, but Haruka stood firm, rubbing Makoto’s neck in slow, circular motions with the tip of his fingers.

“Haru…”

“It’s okay,” Haruka murmured, bumping their foreheads together.

It was rare to see raw emotions from Makoto. Haruka could count every occurrence he had witnessed on one hand, and none of those times, not even combined, could compare to this.

It wasn’t fair to compare Makoto’s way of expressing himself to anyone else, Haruka knew as much. Makoto expressed himself in subtle ways. He expressed his affection by always being there, ready to help when he was needed to the point where he eventually became like an arm or a leg, indispensable but invisible until it was no longer there. It brought Haruka back to that night, when the sound of colorful fireworks drowned the sound of his heart breaking, the same night he had caused irreparable damages by saying some things he wished he could take back.

Haruka pressed his lips against Makoto's lightly, once, twice, until Makoto realized what was happening and he pulled back with a shake of his head.

"Haru, no," Makoto said weakly. "We can't. I have to move past this."

"You don't have to." Haruka brought Makoto close again, nuzzling his face.

His heart was beating in crackling explosions in his chest. Haruka couldn’t tell why, only that it felt right to be here. In the depths of his mind he hoped that this was his heart reaching out to Makoto. He hoped that they were mending their connection and creating a two-way lane so that he’d be able to read Makoto as well as Makoto had been able to read him.

Each new kiss made a small sob escape Makoto’s lips, and though he seemed reluctant at first, he slowly melted under Haruka’s touches. He kissed Haruka back hesitantly. Gradually, his kisses became fervent, hungry, and Haruka followed every step of the way to encourage Makoto to keep going. Haruka didn’t notice that they had moved until the bookcase he was pressed against registered with him once Makoto broke the kiss. He was still sobbing, although softly and far in between. With eyes full of confusion, he observed Haruka, gulping slightly. This time he closed the distance between them. He kissed down Haruka’s cheek, alongside his jaw, his chin, and down his neck.

Makoto’s actions led to expectations. Haruka waited eagerly for Makoto to slip his hands underneath his shirt and touch him, any part of him, but Makoto kept his hands away. He caught himself in the act, and Haruka wished desperately to know what Makoto was telling himself to make him stop and move away once again. He wanted to know the reason behind that guilt-struck look on his face.

“You should go now,” Makoto said in a low voice.

“No. I want to stay,” Haruka paused, suddenly feeling nervous. “I want to stay, and I want to help you, Makoto. Let me. Please.”

Makoto didn’t move away when Haruka came closer and slowly brought him in for a hug.  He didn’t seem to have the willpower to keep fighting Haruka when all he wanted was his immediate proximity. Truth, struggle as you might, would always resurface, regardless of how deep it had been buried.

“What about Rin?” Makoto asked.

“I wouldn’t do this with you or anyone else if I was in a relationship,” Haruka said easily.

Makoto nodded slowly and took a deep, strengthening breath. He hid his face in the nape of Haruka’s neck, gradually gaining confidence to leave a trail of soft, shy kisses. The taste of Haruka on the tip of tongue, awoke a certain hunger within Makoto. He didn’t want it to come to light again, but Haruka led him into a long, needy kiss in hopes that he’d be able to communicate in actions what he couldn’t put in words.

“Do you still live around here?” Haruka asked in a breathless whisper.

“Yeah.”

“Let’s go there… yeah?” Haruka smiled eagerly. His hands were shaking when he brought Makoto in for a quick, reassuring kiss. He was bursting at the seams. A concoction of emotions swirled in his chest and filled him out to the tip of his fingers and toes. The intense and excited look in Makoto’s green eyes had a gravitational pull. It stirred the concoction and made chills run down Haruka’s spine.

They hurried out of the back office. Makoto fumbled with his keys when he had to lock the main door, and again when he had to unlock the door to his one-room apartment. Haruka didn’t stop to look around in the apartment, his eyes were set on Makoto, and he didn’t want to give him time to change his mind.

Makoto shivered at Haruka’s cold hands sliding up his abdomen and to his sides underneath his sweatshirt. A breath got caught in his throat as Haruka kissed up and down his neck, sinking his teeth into his nape gently. Makoto was still not touching him. He kept his hands against his sides as if reaching out for a touch would be crossing a boundary greater than kissing.

Haruka undressed him swiftly until he stood before him in nothing but underwear. He held Makoto’s hand in his and moved it close to his face where he kissed the tip of his fingers, his knuckles, palm and wrist. Makoto caressed Haruka’s lips with his thumb, gulping at the boldness of his move.

“Makoto,” Haruka said softly. “Touch me.”

Haruka rubbed his cheek against the palm of Makoto’s hand and placed a gentle kiss at his wrist before he stood back to quickly undress. He pulled Makoto in close, grabbing his hands to run them up his sides, over his hips and across his buttocks. He watched Makoto’s face up close. He had closed his eyes. His lips parted with awe as he marveled at the feeling of Haruka’s bare skin against his hands. There was only so much Haruka could do to resist the temptation of kissing Makoto again. The small moan that came from the back of Makoto’s throat invited Haruka to deepen the kiss. He let Makoto’s hands roam freely as he ran his fingers through Makoto’s hair and rubbed the back of his head and neck while leading him onto the bed.

Haruka laid down on his back with Makoto on top of him, in between his legs, hips against hips.

“H-Haru…”

They were both trembling with need. Haruka was quick to kiss Makoto over and over to wash away any doubt clouding his mind. He rocked his hips slowly, drawing sensual, low, moans out of Makoto with every move. The long, languid kisses were driving Haruka to the brink of insanity with the way they lit every nerve in his body on fire. He yearned for more. He wanted all of Makoto all at once.

Haruka rolled Makoto over onto his back, straddling him while watching him intently. A blush dressed Makoto’s cheeks. His chest heaved up and down with every breath. His inner thighs shivered every time Haruka rolled his hips. Haruka savored every detail of the sight before him. He never thought he’d get to see this side of Makoto, aroused and vulnerable.

Makoto sat up suddenly, gripping Haruka’s hips with his hands and grinded against Haruka once, twice, while kissing his neck fervently. Haruka fell forward, biting into Makoto’s shoulder as he groaned at the pressure building right beneath his navel. With the one hand he wasn’t using to cling to Makoto, he tugged at his underwear impatiently.

“Off,” was all Haruka managed to say when Makoto looked at him questioningly, as if granting Haruka a few extra seconds to think his decision through.

The space between them as they completely undressed was far too wide and lasted far too long for Haruka’s liking. By the time Makoto kissed him again, Haruka was whimpering with need for Makoto’s warmth.

“Haru, I don’t… I don’t think I have any lube around…” Makoto’s blush deepened.

“It’s okay. We’ll do something else, okay?”

“Yeah,” Makoto nodded as Haruka shifted his hips closer. He had been completely unprepared for what Haruka had in mind. Haruka clenched his hand around them, squeezing at the top as he slid his hand up and down at a slow pace until there was a wet sound of them rubbing off together.

“Look at me, Makoto,” Haruka whispered against Makoto’s lips.

His eyes were a vibrant green, hazed with feverish passion. The fondness in them were what Haruka had remembered them to be. It was that certain look that had been reserved only for him, but that he hadn’t been able to comprehend back then.

Makoto put his hand over Haruka’s and pumped to Haruka’s set rhythm. They came together with sobbing breaths not long after that. They cuddled up in bed, kissing lazily while sleep crept over them, making their eyelids heavy. Their breathing soon evened out as they fell asleep in each other’s arms.

-x-

Haruka woke up first. He looked around Makoto’s apartment as he sat up in bed. It was almost the same as the last time he had come over. There were perhaps more files and papers lying around. The books on the book case by the door, acting as semi-wall, were as as neat as always.

Makoto was still sound asleep. He had the left side of the bed. The sun coming in through the three small windows would wake him up in about a half hour. Haruka watched him for a while. He ran his fingers up his back slowly and placed a soft kiss between his shoulder blades before he got up to look around Makoto’s fridge.

Nagisa had left another sandwich which was meant for breakfast today. The post-it note that came with it said: _Mako-chan’s breakfast. Don’t forget to eat!_ and had a tiny drawing of Nagisa eating a cake. Haruka chuckled and unwrapped the sandwich. He’d take half and leave the other half to Makoto. With breakfast in hand, Haruka rounded the bed and put his items on the desk while he put on a T-shirt Makoto had left on the chair by his desk. Haruka sat down by a pile of files and started to flip through them. He managed to find the summarized version of Makoto’s work and as he read through it, he began to understand the magnitude of Makoto’s work.

A half hour later Makoto rose from his sleep, just as predicted. He rubbed his eyes, seeming disoriented as he turned to see if Haruka was still next to him. He sat up quickly when he noticed that Haruka wasn’t on the bed at all.

“So, you’re going to Taijii to save the dolphins?” Haruka asked from where he sat on the floor.

“Haru.” Makoto was startled by Haruka’s voice. The reality of last night sank in slowly, and perhaps all at once when Makoto looked down on himself and realized that he was naked. He covered himself discreetly with the covers before he looked back at Haruka. “Yeah, the dolphins at Taijii.”

For a moment, Haruka feared that Makoto might be closing up again, but the faint blush and the subtle smile on his face put Haruka at ease. Haruka walked over to him, quickly cupping his face to give him a ‘good morning’ kiss.

“You taste like food,” Makoto murmured.

“Are you hungry?”

“Yeah.”

“There’s another half of‒” Haruka stopped mid-sentence as Makoto ran his arms around Haruka’s waist and laid him down on the bed.

Makoto leaned over him, placing a soft kiss at the side of his mouth as if asking for permission to continue.

“Makoto.” Haruka looked up at him, twirling a lock of dirty-blond hair around his forefinger. “Nagisa wants to know if you’re okay. What do I tell him?”

“Tell him that I’ll get there,” Makoto said softly.

 


	3. Uncertainty

* * *

The wind from the sea had picked up speed by the time S.S Nisshitsu Maru anchored by the pier, twenty miles up north from the town Taiji. Autumn was approaching, but the sunny days made it easy to forget. Makoto and Rei were preparing their research for next summer. For the project to be successful, they had to show that these killings of dolphins had an ample impact on the Japanese economy. It was the only way to get the politicians to care and for the information to spread to the public.

After the turn of events in his relationship with Makoto, Haruka had decided to stay in Japan for a while longer and to come with Makoto to Taiji, if only to figure out where they were heading. He had called Rin a few days after arriving to tell him about his plans. It had been awkward at best.

“You’re not using him as a rebound, are you?” had been Rin’s first question when Haruka told him about the situation with Makoto.

Truth to be told, Haruka didn’t know. They were still figuring things out, mostly by not really talking about it. Their friends wanted answers quick, but it was complicated. It had only recently dawned on Haruka how his actions may be perceived, but at the time it had happened, he hadn’t been thinking further than his nose reached. At that moment, he had wanted Makoto in every way he could think of, and in hindsight he should have given it some thought before acting on his surge of emotions.

“Keep me updated,” Rin had said, and added jokingly, “Just in case I have to step in and clean up your mess.”

Haruka leaned against a sandbox and watched Makoto, Rei and their small crew unload freeze boxes onto the bridge as he pulled the strap of his small backpack up his shoulder. Talking to Rin about this, although awkward, was somehow relaxing. Rin knew what he was like in a relationship, both the good sides and the bad ones, and Haruka needed the feedback if he ever wanted to be in a relationship again.

“Haru-chan!” Nagisa hurried up to him and jumped up onto the sandbox to sit.

“Don’t you work?” Haruka asked, genuinely surprised by Nagisa’s presence.

They were six hours from Tokyo. Makoto and Rei were only going to be here for a week in total, and it didn’t seem worth it to miss work only to wait around until they finished with their work out at sea. Haruka didn’t mind the waiting. The place was quiet and peaceful and reminded him of Iwatobi. Nagisa, on the other hand, had a pay check that depended on his attendance.

“They put a cap on my sales commission. I have to wait until the end of the month to earn money,” Nagisa pouted.

“So you get to go on vacation?”

“Nah,” Nagisa smiled mischievously. “I told my boss I was wooing a big client for future business. He immediately saw dollar signs and gave me permission to leave.”

“As long as it doesn’t come back and bite you…” Haruka said with a shrug.

“Speaking of,” Nagisa began but was cut off by the glare Haruka shot him. Nagisa rolled his eyes. “You’ll go back to Australia, won’t you? Shouldn’t you figure yourselves out before you leave?”

“Maybe,” was all Haruka said.

“We’ll meet right here tomorrow at five in the morning. Be punctual. We’ll only have good water visibility for approximately four hours,” Makoto told his crew once they had put all the freeze boxes back on a small truck.

“Tachibana, me and Jun are heading back to the hotel by the exit to the highway. We could drive today’s samples up there to have them delivered back to Tokyo.”

“Really? That’d be great.” Makoto quickly dug for the keys to the truck and handed them over to his co-worker whose name hadn’t stuck with Haruka at all. They all said their goodbyes and went on their way.

Makoto was wearing a dark green, slightly oversized sweater that his mother had crocheted for him. It not only revealed but also accentuated his neckline in a way that made it difficult for Haruka to look away. He crossed his arms absentmindedly as Makoto and Rei walked up to them slowly, still discussing notes on the clipboard Rei was holding. As soon as Rei put the clipboard away, Makoto hurried to Haruka, quickly greeting Nagisa.

“Did you have to wait long?” Makoto asked Haruka. He put his hands in his pockets, glancing at the ground as if measuring the distance between them to deem whether this would count as public affection or not.

“No, I got here a minute ago.”

“Good,” Makoto smiled. “A co-worker took the samples to the hotel where the others are staying, so he essentially cleared three hours.”

“Oh! We could all go sightseeing!” Nagisa suggested almost immediately.

“I saw a trail that went up by the cliffs,” Haruka said to Makoto and then turned to Nagisa and Rei. “We could meet up for dinner at the inn.”

“Haru-chan, let’s go sightseeing instead!” Nagisa headbutted Haruka’s shoulder.

“Is that your famous persuasion skill?” Haruka chuckled and stepped to the side. Nagisa nearly toppled over, but he regained his balance and sat up straight with a pouty glare at Haruka.

“Dinner at the inn sounds great to me,” Rei said. “Should we say at six? Or is that too early?”

“I think six is fine,” Makoto quickly replied.

“Fine, fine. At six. Don't be late," Nagisa said and slid off the sandbox and gave them both a last, meaning look before locking arms with Rei casually. He was almost as tall as Rei nowadays, but in his mind he still seemed to see himself as the smallest one in the group.

Makoto sighed softly as he watched them go.

“Why is your boat named after a whaling ship?” Haruka asked to get Makoto’s attention.

“No, that’s not…” Makoto chuckled and looked back at the boat quickly. “It’s a pun. Rei thought it’d be funny. The whaling ship is called ‘Nisshin Maru’ and it’s written with the kanji for ‘perfect new sun’, and the name of our boat is written with the kanji for ‘perfect sunrise’ instead to make it sound similar. It… Rei held a whole discourse on why it was a good idea.”

Makoto cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck, looking down on the ground again. It was almost as if they started anew every day. They hadn't set rules, they hadn't put a name on what they had, making them both unsure of what was allowed and what wasn’t. It might seem cruel, but Haruka found the uncertain, almost sheepish look on Makoto’s face incredibly alluring. The expression of subtle surprise that followed once Haruka pulled him in for a soft kiss was exciting. It made Haruka’s heart skip a beat to feel Makoto sway slightly before he found the ground underneath his feet again, and Haruka's reaction begged the question; was it love?

“Should we go?” Makoto asked, eyes still closed as they bumped foreheads gently.

“Yeah,” Haruka replied with a nod. He reached for Makoto’s hand, lacing their fingers together as they walked in the direction of the trail. Makoto almost always had immediate reactions to Haruka touching him, some were more obvious than others. In the few weeks they had been together, Haruka had made it a mission to pinpoint each and every one. Such as the one that occurred when Haruka held his hand. The rise and fall of his chest became more noticeable as he drew a breath deeper than the others. The side of his mouth twitched into small smile that would’ve gone Haruka by had he blinked during the quick glance he stole.

Makoto was certain of his feelings. He knew when they had emerged, and he knew that they were still there, strong as ever. He knew, and it was annoying. He was somehow always one step ahead, sure of his ways, convinced and aware of his emotions. Haruka had a painstaking process when it came to change in his life. It was a line of denial, confusion, indifference, until he burst like a dam, the emotions flowing out with the threat of drowning those around him. It took him a while to accept what was new. Rin had been impatient with Haruka at the initiation of their relationship. He had shortened the process because he was demanding and generally unafraid of change. Makoto was usually patient. Too patient, perhaps.

The trail started by some rocks and led up to the cliffs cut off from the town by a forest that was still in full bloom. Only a few trees were shifting colors, reminding them of the approaching autumn. The sea was calm. The waves only managed to climb a few inches on the rocks before they retreated.

“Makoto, let’s stop here. I brought lunch.” Haruka dug into his backpack and pulled out a blanket to put on the flat rocks.

The wind ruffled their hair as they both sat down on either side of the backpack where Haruka had small plastic boxes with different side dishes.

“Here’s the rice, the curry, salad - I made two different salads. This one has peppers, this one doesn’t.” Haruka held up two of the plastic boxes to show Makoto which one he’d prefer. “Oh, this is dessert, so that one goes back in,” Haruka mumbled mostly to himself.

“Did you make all of this?"

"Yeah."

Haruka did a discreet double-take at the amused smile on Makoto’s face.

“What?” Haruka asked and sat up straight when he thought Makoto might be making fun of him.

“Nothing. It’s just, it’s been years since you cooked for me. I’ve missed it.”

A flush of heat rose from somewhere in Haruka’s chest and possibly colored his cheeks red. He hoped the blush wasn’t noticeable, or that Makoto wouldn’t look at him until it had receded. To not risk it, he put all his attention on finding the chopsticks he had brought while taking the lid off the rice.

“It won’t be anything like Nagisa’s cooking with chicken drenched in sauce,” Haruka said, looking back at Makoto once he had a small bunch of rice between the chopsticks. He almost dropped it back into the box when Makoto leaned forward slightly and opened his mouth, ready to eat.

“Aren’t you spoiled,” Haruka smiled and just barely held back a chuckle.

Makoto didn’t have to insist. Haruka fed him the rice, letting him savor it before giving him more. Haruka had used a new recipe to make the rice. He'd made it before, but only for himself. When it came to food, Haruka had a peculiar taste that very few knew how to appreciate. It hadn’t been difficult to learn other recipes of ‘normal’ food, but he still liked to experiment in the kitchen.

“Oh, I know this flavor,” Makoto grinned. “Did you cook it in mackerel broth?”

“Yeah, and then I steamed it with the mackerel for a bit. Do you like it?”

“It’s really good. Tastes like a whole meal, and the rice is really soft.”

“I thought the salty taste of the mackerel would be a great contrast to the sweetness of the curry.” Haruka took the lid off the curry and poured some into the rice and mixed it with the chopsticks.

“That smells nice,” Makoto commented, looking at the dish eagerly.

“The curry recipe is a secret for now until I finish tweaking it. Open up.” Haruka moved the small plastic box to Makoto’s chin to not drop any of the food onto the blanket. He blew on it before giving it to Makoto, and smiled widely as soon as the array of flavors registered with Makoto and his head fell back.

“Haru, this is delicious!” Makoto sat back up straight. “Did you bring this for the two of us?”

It was a small portion, one Makoto easily could eat by himself. Judging by the look of anticipation in his eyes, that was exactly what he wanted.

“I brought this for you, actually. Dessert’s for the both of us, and I brought a salad for myself in case you got delayed with work. You want more?”

“Yes!” Makoto said with a nod, absentmindedly putting his hands on Haruka’s knees when he moved in closer.

Haruka froze for a split second at the casual touch. He found himself comparing Makoto as uncertain and shy to this; spontaneously claiming Haruka’s space as his own, not thinking twice about what he was doing, as if they had already decided what they were to each other.

Haruka’s hand trembled slightly, but Makoto was too preoccupied with the food to notice. Despite himself, Haruka reluctantly came to the realization that maybe he didn’t want them to begin anew everyday. Maybe he wanted something stable with Makoto, something that could develop indefinitely.

But only ‘maybe’.

-x-

From the moment on the cliffs by the sea in Taiji, Haruka's attraction ran amok. The qualities he found alluring about Makoto were no longer fixed, instead they were in constant change. In the morning, it was Makoto’s soft breathing and the way he mushed his face against his pillow, his bangs in complete disarray, that captivated Haruka. When they met for lunch at campus, it was the way Makoto tried to talk with his mouth full, but anything he tried to say was reduced to strings of ‘mmm’:s as he ate the food Haruka had made for him. By the end of lunch, Haruka was certain that Makoto was reading him like an open book and that the seemingly absentminded lick of his thumbs was the most conniving tease of a move Makoto had ever thought of doing.

The list seemed endless, and Haruka dug himself in deeper every time they made love. The scent in the nape of Makoto’s neck had become an addictive drug. He yearned for it. Even in the aftermath, as they lay tangled in bed, sated, Haruka yearned for it, and he’d keep kissing Makoto’s neck until he fell asleep. It created interesting marks that were usually partially or completely visible thanks to the sweatshirts Makoto used. Haruka enjoyed watching his handiwork almost as much as he enjoyed creating it.

Makoto had lots of favorite places on Haruka’s body, too. His hands, lips, chin, shoulders, hips, navel, but his most favorite place of all was one Haruka was certain Makoto would never admit to; inside him. The last of his remaining control and walls came undone as Haruka clenched around him, writhing ever so slightly to angle his hips for a deeper thrust. Makoto didn’t seem to question Haruka’s desire for him in the moments when Haruka urged him to move with needy moans and soft whispers of his name. He’d set a slow pace, gradually blurring the lines between them all the while worshiping Haruka, kissing every part of him he could access.

This night had been one of those nights when it seemed like they’d never be able to stop. Makoto had come home earlier, and he had been in the shower when Haruka came back from swimming practice. He had seen it as a great opportunity to experience Makoto’s voice in the echo of the bathroom. The surprise seemed to have hit a chord with one of Makoto’s fantasies. He took complete control before Haruka even began with all the teasing he had mind. Instead of being teased, Makoto decided to bring Haruka sheer bliss at least three times before they took it to bed.

Hours later, Haruka lay on Makoto, gently pushing Makoto's head back into the pillow to reveal more of his throat. He kissed and licked at every part he knew he had yet to mark. He took in Makoto’s scent, inhaling slowly and let his breath tickle Makoto’s wet skin. A small, soft groan passed Makoto’s lips, and Haruka knew where to begin. He suckled at Makoto’s tender skin, tracing his tongue over the spot he had chosen before kissing it hard. Makoto ran his fingers through Haruka’s hair as he shuddered. His neck might not have been his most erogenous zone before, but that was definitely changing.

“Haru,” Makoto said in a breathless whisper, a smile apparent in his voice. ”People are starting to wonder about the hickeys.”

“Just tell them truth,” Haruka replied, much too spellbound by the taste of Makoto’s skin to realize what he was saying.

Makoto rolled them over to their sides and tilted Haruka’s head upward for them to face each other. He placed a soft kiss on the tip of Haruka’s nose, looking back at him with a serious glint in his eyes.

“What’s the truth?”

Haruka hesitated. The pause stretched, and he looked back at Makoto helplessly.

“Do you love me yet?” Makoto asked quietly.

The question hurt. Why did Makoto think he was here for? Could he no longer read the meanings and implications of Haruka’s actions? Haruka knew he could mend the hurt in both of them by simply answering the question, but he froze. Every emotion he had experienced this past month and a half didn’t seem as enough evidence to base his answer on them, because what if he was wrong?

Haruka took a deep breath, averting his eyes when the eye contact felt too intense, and he heard himself answer.

“I don’t know.”

-x-

Haruka’s day of departure approached quickly. Makoto didn’t bring up the subject about them again, nor did he ask about Haruka’s plans for the future. He didn’t become distant, but the energy between them changed after that night. It was as if every day turned into a long, unspoken goodbye, which not only annoyed Haruka, a heavy burden settled in his chest and made him feel inexplicably heartbroken. He’d lay awake at night, resting his head on Makoto’s back to hear the steady thump of his heart and feel him breathe.

Haruka didn’t know what he was afraid would happen if he just told Makoto what he felt. His feelings were clearly reciprocated. Was it the logistics of their possible relationship that made Haruka think twice? Haruka blinked slowly as he moved in closer and put an arm around Makoto’s waist. The unspoken fears swirled in the back of his mind like invisible poison in a glass of wine.

They weren’t the same people anymore. What Makoto thought he wanted might be a faint memory of the Haruka he had known a long time ago, idealized by longing and need. What if Makoto ran out of love for him? What if he woke up one day with the realization that he truly was better off without Haruka by his side?

Haruka had called Rin again. This time with only one question, “Do I love weird?”

It had been a strange question, but even so, Rin had made sense of it.

“It’s an acquired taste best understood with instructions,” he had said in reply after a moment of thought. “Meaning, you should sit Makoto down and talk to him. Let him get re-acquainted with how you’re wired. Walk him through it. And don’t expect him to read your mind. Be clear as water,” Rin paused to celebrate the analogy which was, in his opinion, perfect. “Yes! There we have it! Be clear as water. I don’t know how to put the dots closer together.”

With three days left to go, Haruka had yet to make up his mind.

Makoto had invited him to a charity event hosted by the WWF. It was his chance to spread the word about his research to people who weren’t students at the institute. Makoto hadn’t beaten around the bush. He had looked him straight in the eye and handed him the fancy invitation printed on a thick, soft paper, and said, “This is an important night to me, Haru, and it would mean the world to me if you could attend.” Nothing more, nothing less. Maybe Makoto had been talking to Rin, too.

Haruka sat at the end of the bed with his suit next to him. He couldn’t remember the last time he had worn a suit. He was almost always in swimming trunks or casual clothes. Formalities weren’t his forte, it made him nervous.

He glanced at the door by the other end of the room where the bathroom was. Makoto was showering. Before going into the bathroom, Makoto had taken out a small bottle of perfume and put it on his dresser along with a pair of cuff-links in silver. Haruka assumed Keiko had bought the set for him at some point. Makoto had never been one to use perfume, at least as far as Haruka knew.

Haruka got up and rounded the bed to get the perfume bottle. It smelled before Haruka removed the lid and leaned in for a whiff. He frowned at the sour, lemony smell, and glared at it with disdain.

This wasn’t Makoto, Haruka thought grumpily. Makoto wasn’t a sour lemon. He was the sweet vanilla taste of a Crème Brûlée, the refreshing mint of a Mojito, the caramelized apple in an apple pie.

The small bottle of perfume almost fell over the side of the dresser when Haruka put it back, but he caught it before it did and he put it back properly. In the light of what he was about to do, it was important to not come off as if he had had a jealous fit beforehand.

Haruka ran into the bathroom and only paused for a split second when he saw Makoto’s silhouette behind the glass walls of the shower, peeking behind the steam. With determination, Haruka shook off his doubts and stepped into the shower. He was fully clothed in dark blue sweatpants and a black T-shirt. The water fell over him as soon as he stepped in and wrapped his arms around Makoto’s chest.

“Haru?” Makoto looked down to where Haruka’s arms met and locked around him. “What are you doing? You’re gonna get soaked.”

“I love you.”

Haruka said it against Makoto’s back. He shuddered at the silence that followed. It seemed to stretch on forever, and he began to wonder if he had said anything at all.

He loosened his grip when Makoto turned around slowly. Foam of the remaining shampoo in his hair slid down his face. Makoto’s eyes were wide with astonishment and fear of having misheard. He brushed Haruka’s bangs away with a trembling hand, looking for an answer to a question he had yet to ask.

“What?” Makoto asked at last, his voice cracking slightly.

“I love you, Makoto.” Haruka said it again, facing Makoto, watching his beautiful green eyes blur with tears and his face lit up with a loving smile that evolved into a heartwarming chuckle. A soft sob broke through the chuckle as Makoto cupped Haruka’s face and bumped their foreheads gently. Makoto kissed Haruka’s upper lip, shivering despite the warm water that was pouring over them.

“Are you sure?”

Haruka nodded, smiling brightly as Makoto nodded with him.

“Yeah?” Makoto kissed Haruka again before he could answer.

“Yeah,” Haruka said breathlessly.

Makoto wrapped his arms around Haruka and held him tightly. Haruka took the opportunity bury his face into the nape of Makoto's neck as he ran his fingers through Makoto's hair. The hickeys Haruka had left behind had almost completely faded, even from the spots he loved to tease the most. There'd be lots of time to amend that, he thought although his mouth seemed to have plans of its own.

A quiet giggle escaped Makoto when Haruka kissed for a spot to mark.

"Haru, I'm gonna end up forgetting my speech," Makoto said, amused by Haruka’s fascination.

Haruka stepped back slightly to be able to look Makoto in the eye.

"You'll do fine, Makoto. You've worked hard on this. You know it by heart... you'll do fine..." Haruka trailed off, caught off guard by the thoughts that swirled to life.

The speech was a reminder of what they yet had to resolve. They lived their lives in different parts of the world. Haruka had thought of moving back to Japan some time in the future, but at present, he was committed to his team, to his career, to the life he had built, and all of that was back in Sydney.

"Makoto..." Haruka began hesitantly. The worry in Makoto's eyes was immediate when he saw Haruka's expression turn into a solemn one. “Come with me to Sydney. Just to try it out. It… I know I’m asking a lot, but, just for a while…” Haruka gulped. He felt more vulnerable now than when he had confessed. Makoto could refuse the idea.

“We’ll figure it out, Haru. I know I have a couple of vacation weeks saved, and I’d have to talk to my group about it, but we’ll make it work. I promise.”

“Okay,” Haruka sighed with relief. The radiant smile on Makoto’s face was contagious, and that small doubt that had survived was extinguished as he returned the smile. Makoto said it was a promise, and he had yet to break a single one.

“You know, I could move to a later flight and then you and I could join the mile high club,” Haruka murmured seductively against Makoto’s chin.

“Why? Do they give more bonus points per flown mile? I signed up for a special card last time we went to‒ mmph!”

Haruka got onto his toes to drape his lips over Makoto’s in an impromptu kiss. Some things didn’t change. Makoto was still as precious as ever, the difference was that Haruka would express himself differently when Makoto overstepped the boundaries of how adorable Haruka could handle him.

“Makoto, I’m gonna take you now. I can’t wait,” Haruka said seriously as he pulled his wet T-shirt over his head and struggled taking it off.

Makoto laughed as he helped Haruka take the shirt off to keep him from tripping in the shower.

“Not now, Haru. After the charity event. Haru...” Makoto laughed again when Haruka wrapped his arms around him to keep him from backing away, and to angle his head.

“I’ll just kiss you a little here...and here...and touch you…” Haruka mumbled while he kissed down Makoto’s neckline, his hands rubbing his buttocks.

“Just a little,” Makoto said with a heavy breath. “I’ll wash your hair in the meantime.”

This time Haruka laughed. Makoto hadn’t been joking around when he had said that this night was important to him. He heard Makoto reach for the shampoo bottle and fiddle with the lid until he got it open. Haruka simply leaned his forehead against Makoto’s shoulders as he massaged the back of his head with his fingertips. He closed his eyes and stopped with everything else, letting Makoto pamper him with the washing.

“Haru?”

“Mm?”

“I love you, too.”

Haruka smiled.

“I know.”


End file.
